I'm behind...and depressed

Well, I seem to have a problem.

I just don't care about the novel this year. I don't know what it is. The fire, the passion that's normally there during NaNo is..gone. There's no magic :( Writing feels like a chore and I always groan inwardly when I think "Oh, I have to write those 1667 words now.

I hate this. I'm at the ending of a trilogy, I should be happy (or sad but eager at least) not apathetic. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I made it to twelve thousand-something words while sitting in a doctor's office today. I was told there was NEVER any wait time with this doctor and I was there for two hours and I wrote 1800 words. No wait time, huh? Really?

But, while I'm writing, there's still no passion. I feel horrible.

It doesn't help that I'm depressed beyond words with my life. I honestly wanted to kill myself on Monday and, if I'd been able to find anymore pills I would have tried. Apparently 14 tylenols won't do the job...but I already knew this. I'm not a med student but I imagine the number of tylenols required to actually kill ones self would be in the thousands. They aren't big pills.
I can't think of anything good in my life. No military (but they wouldn't take me if they knew how depressed I was), no car to go see my friends (which would make me feel better), family who is constantly yelling at me and putting me down and just generally making me feel like trash, and now even my creativity feels shot. Where writing came so easily back when I was on my ADHD medications, it's such a struggle now. I spent my [largely medicated] life saying that I could not live without art because a life without art was not worth living and now my art seems to have escaped me so...how can I live? What am I supposed to live for now?

I think the only thing that has saved me from committing suicide over the years is a steady belief in and fear of God. I know suicide if the one unforgivable sin because you can't ask forgiveness for it (and it's murder of yourself) but I guess if you took a bunch of sleeping pills and asked for forgiveness as you were dying that might work. I don't have sleeping pills though.

I'm getting too deep here...No one even reads this stupid blog any way.